The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
