He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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