I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
