she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
