Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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