apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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