Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
