you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
