I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
