it was like eating out sand paper
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
