So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
