all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
