Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
