That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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