I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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