he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
