Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
