God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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