dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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