Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
