Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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