Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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