his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
