i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
