Your face is a jimmy john
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
