Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize