Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
