His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
