Umm I'm too high to move.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
