He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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