Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
