it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
