I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
