Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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