Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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