nut hugger
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
