and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
