so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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