be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
