I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
