You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize