I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Found your dick twin last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
