The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
