nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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