Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
