Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
