What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
