If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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