Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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