I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
