Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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