I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
