My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
