Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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