Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
