so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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