Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
