I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
