I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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